Lost letters, words and sounds
An ode to some friends lost, some found and some re-found
A friend on twitter has a writing prompt called ‘Origin Stories’. This is my take on it, although the prompt was specifically about memories, this is more about the people. I’m not going to remind people about What makes a good life, or how Happiness is Other People, or truisms like “You are the average of the 5 people you surround yourself with”. If you’ve been my friend, I assume you already subscribe to those notions. So these are some of the people who have left indelible marks on me.
[Each character is linked to a song they remind me of. So listen to the song to see if you recognize yourself in it.]
I met Purple P as a 9 year old. He’s the one who introduced me to a lot of cool things. Things like the Internet and Chat Rooms. I’ve been a Very Online person ever since. Our paths kept crossing throughout life even though there were some detours like Red R getting in the way, but we eventually found Our Way back to each other. He continues to teach me a lot of things even without us speaking. “Go be great” he told me when I left. I didn’t do the same when he did, because I don’t like putting that kind of pressure on someone, but I expect nothing but Greatness from him.
Red R had once said “Whenever you need me, I will always be there” and she’s kept that promise. She’s who I call when I hit rock bottom. She always followed her own path and I couldn’t be prouder. I think this one will last because we have no other expectations than to just be there when we need each other. She taught me about insecurity.
Purple S was a quiet person back when I first met him. Someone I was drawn to because of not despite it. He had integrity and always tried to do the right thing. Black R ruined him. I do not like her. But he found his Purple G who’s kind and generous. He deserves someone like that in his life. He always manages to show up when I need it the most. Showing up is half the work in relationships, he taught me.
Yellow J was a very close friend. Closest friend I’ve had, maybe. We both made mistakes and things haven’t been the same ever since. We don’t talk anymore. Many lessons learned, the foremost of which was how to be loyal and what effort looks like. Her last words to me still echoes in my head but I wish it was all the other words ten years prior which did. A lesson in choosing your words carefully, if there ever was one. Broken pots cannot be mended however hard you try. I mourn the loss frequently.
Red N and I were like two peas in a pod. She was just the female version of me. We communicated without communicating. Words are important however, I learned. She also taught me how mono-cultures breed toxicity. The only way we could fit was either on top of each other, effectively overshadowing one another or if we were both square pegs. Neither of us wanted to be either.
Red D was smart. The kind of person I would call smart. She taught me how to date. She once wrote about how I was reserved and only said perfunctory statements. But later realized how deep, wise and profound some of those things were. I’m glad she looked deeper. Joy still hasn’t seen a bigger smile.
Blue J and Red D dated. That’s how he and I became friends. We never made mistakes. We don’t talk anymore despite that. Life happens. I hope he’s happy wherever he is. He showed me what loyalty looked like.
Pink J & I shared a close friendship. The kind of friendship where we communicated unabashedly with our very uncensored words. I know she’s still cheering for me wherever she is. She taught me how to shamelessly be yourself, how and whom to forgive and when to be persistent. It’s amazing how you can trust a person so easily so quickly. No proof was required, just honesty.
Purple S and Purple P had a thing for each other. I was in the way for a bit. It’s a pity they couldn’t make it work. But Purple P found Purple R later and are perfect together. Sometimes you just know when two puzzle pieces fit together - there’s a discernible click. And that’s exactly what I told both of them when he introduced me to her for the first time.
I had a Green J in my life. I gave her up. She was toxic. She ruined it between Yellow J and me, and I’ll never forgive myself for letting that happen.
Purple L visited me everyday when I was in the hospital. We always spoke nostalgically about days past. I hope he moves back home, where he belongs. He taught me about duty and responsibility.
Red P is perpetually lost. We are still good friends. He is comfort and I hope he stays. He taught me that sometimes it’s OK to be lost.
Yellow T and I shared a mental illness. She made a short appearance in my life and then completely disappeared one day. I do not blame her. Two wrongs do not make a right. She taught me about jealousy.
I have a Green G in my life. She made me feel an entire range of emotions even though we haven’t spoken about anything real. She’s leaving for greener pastures. I have no right to be hurt, but I am. She understands, she said. She taught me that it takes two to tango.
Pink R let me lead her, but we were going around in circles. I miss her most days. We are not friends. She taught me about how sometimes everything can be perfect except timing. Timing matters.
Pink P was my first childhood crush but we drifted apart after high school. She was in a troubled marriage when she got back in touch trying to tug my heartstrings. She showed me how I'm not that selfish. She was also the first person to recognize that my friends were the most important thing in life. Nothing has changed on that front.
I did wrong by Pink B. I’m not sure I can fix it or even if I want to. She taught me to be selfish.
Red S was an absolute puppy. Kindest, sweetest, gentlest and most thoughtful person I have known. She taught me how love is not enough. People can be on different paths and shared goals are very important for long term relationships. Nothing has changed. I still grin when I see a message from her, however mundane.
Yellow L feels too deeply and I worry for him. He taught me about my personal limits for empathy and compassion.
Purple V and I can can talk about anything and everything. I respect his views and he makes my thinking clearer. Always managing to pull me back to earth when I fly too close to the sun. And sometimes pushing me to fly when I don’t have the energy to try. I wish he lived closer. He taught me to not get carried away.
Yellow S and I were close as kids. We lost contact in between. We are finding our way back these days. He’s been through a lot and has taught me resilience and how to pick yourself up after you fall. He recently told me he's still the shy boy he used to be. But I see silent confidence in him that he can't seem to recognize. I hope he does someday.
Yellow B and I used to bond over music. He changed, but the music hasn’t - Black S got in the way. He taught me about betrayal.
Black S was a bitch. I ignored the Red Flags. She taught me to trust my Gut.
Blue S and I don’t talk anymore even though we were inseparable for a few years. We had way too much in common. But I had to give him up too because I couldn’t help him and it was too hard for me to watch him self-sabotage. I feel bad and hope he’s well. He taught me that it’s not my job to save everyone.
Yellow N and I met in the most random of circumstances. We have always been able to be honest with each other. We still talk. I didn’t feel bad when she moved since I thought it was the right move for her. I hope she’s found happiness now. She taught me that Kindness, Generosity & Honesty, even when it feels impossible to show, is the cornerstone for any friendship to last through decades.
White S and I have a few common interests. Our opinions on somethings are slightly different but I respect her because she’s fair. She taught me how supporting each other on our wins is what friends do, regardless of differences or distance.
Purple S on the other hand cut me off due to some difference of opinions. She taught me how misunderstanding in human relationships is inevitable. Language is limiting.
Purple G, Purple N and Blue P are people I met recently and want to get to know better. They seem like amazing, thoughtful people.
Purple A / Blue A and I are kindred spirits. It’s still early. But I’m hoping it’s the beginning of something beautiful. Purple A taught me how you just need to find your weirdos. She is kind. Blue A reminded me that when I’m at the edge of the cliff, I only look up at the horizon. He looks at the bottom of the cliff as well as the unexplored horizons. I need to do more of that.
I met Yellow R very recently. I hope to make him a permanent fixture in my life. He taught me to take chances and play like no one’s watching.
That’s a lot of colors and letters, but the words don’t do them justice. I have always been the kind of person that recognizes patterns very easily. It’s the creative engineer’s mind, which can be a boon and a bane. When I look back on the above words, I see clear patterns: Purples are keepers; J’s and P’s are wonderful to have around. While the Colors have meaning the Letters don’t. There is no signal there, but sometimes we think there is signal in the noise. Discerning that signal from the noise has been a lifelong quest of mine. I’m still learning.
As I find myself in the midst of a repeating one particular pattern for the second time, I realize that some lessons life teaches you multiple times. And that's OK. I’m hoping this one sticks.
At times I feel just like a little leprechaun looking for treasure at the end of a rainbow. Not realizing the rainbow is an illusion, even though it’s beautifully colorful. There’s nothing tangible there. It's not real. The rain, the sun, the butterflies and the flowers around however, are. They’re tangible. Embrace and enjoy them. Don’t chase the rainbow. I have been telling this to myself for years now.
I look at life like a puzzle. It's that engineer brain trying to figure out the truths. And the truth is while I search for that Purple J to just fit this especially jagged side on the puzzle piece that is moi, I plan to fill the rest of this mosaic with other colorful pieces.
Because it is about the entire puzzle not just one missing piece. You can still see the big picture if the rest of the puzzle is complete. So here’s to finding and celebrating the different butterflies, flowers, the sun and the rain. All the while remembering that butterflies shouldn’t be captured, flowers aren’t meant to be plucked, the rain is for you to dance in and the sun is for you to bask in. Let us stick around for the entire picture to unfold.
There just might be a rainbow at the end of it all..
ps: A friend recently sent me an instagram reel and implied that I do not like people or let people close to me. This post was also a response to that.
There is a reason for it. It’s not that I do not like them, it’s that I like them a little too much. They leave indelible marks and more often than not, leave. So can you blame me? I cannot swallow that bitter pill. Yet.